"Reality Bites".....

Had a great start to the day....up with the sunrise, walk on the the beach......time to listen to some great meditation/visualization exercises......that will hopefully help alter my perception of my Chemo....was a great tip I got from a great friend/survivor (Thanks Krista).....By going into my chemo treatments with the thoughts that chemo is poison and also an enemy is going to do me no good........I need to come to terms with the fact that it is the chemo that is going to save my life and I need to re-establish our relationship to one of welcoming into my body, working together to destroy the cancer........
Sure I have gotten all the emails, posts, letters telling me how if I want to cure my cancer I need to ...."find YOUR God"......"drink the magic juices from the whooptie whooptie berry tree that only grows in the desolate areas of africa"...."drink the blood of a virgin guinea pig indigineous to Idaho"......"Lick the balls of the nene 15 times in a circular pattern 5 to the right, 5 to the left"......
All tips reviewed and under consideration........however at this point I am battling against time...my lungs fight for space in my chest if I need a deep breath, swallowing and breathing can be difficult because of my deviated esophagus/trachea...........It is the CHEMO working together with ME that is going to war against the cancer(s).........I am all for all kinds of alternative therapies, already benefiting from Reiki, hoping I can afford accupunture while I am getting my chemo, receiving LOVE, LIGHT, STRENGTH, SUPPORT from all of you.......yes when you pule (pray) I am well aware, and thankful.
But before next Monday I need to find balance of my MIND/BODY/SPIRIT and be prepared to become one with the chemotherapies as they enter into my blood stream.............

I am so beyond blessed to be living in Hakipu'u for so many different reasons.......I have been trying to get up each morning, wade across the water and take a walk down the beach......I had not ever noticed this litte bench set up, simple 2 cement blocks and a plank.....I usually walk until I start getting short of breath, then turn back home......get to "my bench" and here I can sit for however long I need, meditation, listening to the guided imagry and affirmation exercises.....cry.....laugh.......be angry (although its a little hard for be angry when sitting here) ......BLESSED.......


So this was the start to my blog entry this morning and I had planned on giving you all the latest medical updates so we could get all caught up..........was taking a sip of my coffee, ran my hand through my mohawk and all of a sudden my coffee cup was full of hair........

SERIOUSLY......THIS PULLED THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER ME MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE SO FAR IN THIS JOURNEY.........knew it was coming, thought since I was past the "2 week" point when most chemo patients lose their hair, I would be a lucky one that held onto it maybe till round 2 ........or win the lotto and keep my hair the whole time........no such luck.
It just came from out of no where and once again I was forced further into this reality that has become my life........my sense of humor was gone....nothing funny about this......If you know me, you know I can a little vain when it comes to my hair,this was not about vanity (well not totally).......this was more......
For me this was not....."ohhh good the chemo is doing its work"......this was not about being "one step closer to recovery"..........this was about being forced to take the next step in to HELL whose doors opened to me on January 25, 2012.......difference with todays step forward.......the door SLAMMED SHUT AND LOCKED BEHIND ME......I am in it......just starting.....there is no "light at the end of my tunnel" I can see right now.......I am not alone, but need to remind myself of that frequently......this is not the worst of it, this is just the begining......do we know how bad its going to be NO....no one can ever predict......is it going to be "no big deal"......mmmmmm.....round 1 has already given enough hints that is is going to be somewhat of a "big deal"........I just need to be prepared for  it and hopefully preparing for the worst will only make things seem the best they could be.......this is my 'REALITY" and sometimes "REALITY BITES"..........
My affirmation today:

"I know the more I can acknowledge and accept what I truly feel without criticism or blame the more I assist my bodies natural tendency to be well....."

So I cried......wanted to cry out loud/scream.....but again the lack of space to fully inflate my lungs and the deviated trachea wouldnt allow it.......so it was a qiuet cry, an angry cry, a cathartic cry.......a damn messy face cry!!!

Been a long time since I cried myself to sleep.....felt good...worke up feeling better, ready get some house chores done......did good today.......then found my sense of humor again this eveing......of all odd places it had been hiding in the shower.......

I shaved the rest of my head this afternoon so now from the neck up I look like a old man.......after nice long 'au'au this evening I now look like a prepubescent boy from the waist down......damn no one told me the hair would fall out this fast.........seeing the drain full of hair and my shiny white hairless......ummmm.....what's the right word ........________________(you fill in your own blank)

I actually was in hysterical laughter at the site of it......ummmm not hysterical laughter because it looks different or "small" or anything.......ummmm.....ahhh forget it, change the subject.

So I actually hadn't planned on doing a blog today, too much reality for one day.....but now that its out I feel better......can have a good dinner.....maybe veg infront the tv....hele a hiamoe  early (always looking forward to 2:41 am - now that I know what thats all about!!!! ;) Mahalo Steve)

So all in all  today wasnt "bad" those are still lurking along the path I am being force to walk.....it wasn't "good" by any stretch of the imagination.....it just was........best part it is almost pau....and there is tomorrow to look forward to ......

Best way to end this day is to share this amazing shot my great friend Noelle captured at Laniakea Beach and shared with me.......have to share it with all of you.......

I'm looking forward to getting back up there and visiting with our honu 'ohana and all our amazing volunteers at Malama na Honu......I am so proud of all the work they do and proud to be a part of such and amazing group of folks!!