Mohawks.....Face to Face with post Chemo "Puke Monster" ...going home...

So, Round #1 of my Chemo infused without incident....slept through the last half of it actually.....woke up the next morning feeling like "Supah Man"!!!! Was wizzing around cleaning/organizing, eating anything that wasn't nailed down.........this was all part of those high dose IV steroids......was in shower when things slowed down a bit, and had to back off on my pace pretty quick.
Was starting to get stoked....folks were actually throwing around the discharge to home words......I really wanted out of that hospital, to be home in my own place, surrounded by my stuff, my noises, my smells, my Hakipu'u.......then there was the part of me that began to be little scared of going home, not having the support system of the nurses and doctors, not having the strong dose IV medications right there if I needed them........but most of all........"going home" meant bringing the cancers home with me....further solidifying this new reality......getting more real everyday.....infusing into every single part of my life.....barriers up.....denials in place.........eventually they are knocked down, fall down or hopefully I can realize things more better if I just take them down.........the time had come to move forward and blend my "Pre-Patrick with cancer" life with my "Patrick with cancer life"............always moving forward to "Patrick Survivor of Cancer" life......I dont think any other 4 words have had so much meaning and weight as those do, even know just typing it I'm hit with the salt water leakage from the eyes thing again.......
"SURVIVOR" will I be? I know many, they did it!  I know many that didn't survive, they fought hard....they were kids .....they deserved to survive......I have had an amazing full and happy life full of love, adventures, laughs and beauty........can't I trade places with one of them now....let them have there lifes that were just begining back.........
Nathan...Alyssa....Twan.....Caroline.....Kelly.....Junior.....Laura..... I could go on and on  and on with the list of children I have known that lost there fights, never gave up, LOST.......WHY?
Fate? Destiny?...........I can not go back and change anything for them now....what I can and will do is move forward with my destiny and in honor of them I WILL FIGHT....they have all, each and everyone of them given me some different tool, some different strength to handle this and beat this and to somehow use this shit experience to make a difference in the world as I do...... I LOVE ALL OF LIDS YOU SO MUCH.....and yes since the bombshell on the 25th I have been aware of each of you coming around for a visit......I wish for a split second all the folks around me could catch a glimpse of my "Cancer Okole Kicking Hui"...your beautiful smiles, rascal ways, different personalities and your strengths ......how blessed am I to have you all surrounding me now that I NEED ALL OF YOU.

Alright back to getting this story caught up...... CHEMO in ...no real biggie....going home? Have to wait for 24 hours after infusion ....just in case....so cruise for Saturday and see what happens........
Say HELLO to the HICCUPS......
Apparently........ hiccups are also associated with chemo therapy, something to do with the chemo irritating the diaphram , found to have greater prevalance in men, and have an inverse relationship with nausea and vomiting (more hiccups = less nausea/vomiting and vice versa).
I know what your thinking and believe me I thought it too........."WELL SHIT...I'll take hiccups over puking ANYDAY"...............My thought processed changed after the first hour of non-stop hiccups....Sure it starts off all funny, and I'm thinking "but of course...I'm going to be the one freak who gets hiccups as chemo side effects.....the laughter and jokes passed with time.....after a certain point of non-stop hiccuping it just becomes PAINFUL.....I was able a couple of times to fend them off by drinking ginger ale upside down...sorry no one got a pic of that move! A good friend forwarded a study about treating the "chemo-hiccups" I haven't had a chance to get into it yet, but will before going in for chemo round #2.

Other than that the Saturday was pretty uneventful....plenty of visitors....and ummmmmm a little "rite of passage" ........the shaving of the head post-first chemo infusion.......My whole life I wanted to rock a mohawk, but jobs would never allow it...........so figured time to give it a go.......

pre buzz



rocking "da hawk" almost 2 weeks post chemo...no hair loss yet

So there you have it my first mohawk........and at post-chemo day 16 still no hair loss....

Rest of Saturday was quiet...uneventful.

Good nite sleep until.........the PUKE MONSTER showed up Sunday early morning....

I can't really recall time of day, but I think was very early morning??? I woke up as a huge wave of nausea hit me......I tried ride it out, asked the nurse for some oral anti-emetics (no puke pills) thinking I didn't want to do the IV stuff because I wasn't going have that at home and needed to learn how to deal with it...........few minutes of fighting the nausea....getting myself all anxious and worked up......there was no holding back.....tear ass into bathroom......face over toilet and out it came.......

I've never been a good puker....this one was the worse, because once again it was a "right of passage" even further solidifying me into this new reality.....I was pissed, sad, freightened.....Luckily Amy was there with me, which always helps!

I knew I had to somehow get ahold of myself and get through this....found myself thinking what would I say to one of my patients to talk them down and get them through this....found myself talking to myself like I would to a patient.......and you know what it worked.....I had to verbally remind myself to breath, remind myself that this was only temporary, remind myself to stop fighting in and just get it over with.......IT WORKED......I soon found myself on the backside of my first (and so far ONLY) visit from the "Puke Monster"

I can't recall who pointed out to me the reminder of how most of the kids at the hospital deal with their puking......who ever it was put it into perfect perspective and I will carry it with me through this journey.....

"remember when ever the kids in the hospital got sick, the just walk in to bathroom, puke it up, rinse mouth, wiped the face and ask to go back to the playroom"

One of my top goals is to deal with the "Puke  Monster" just like that should he show his face around here again.........

So discharged to HOME on Super Bowl Sunday....acompanied by Amy and Kehau (1)

I have always loved the drive to Hakipu'u......today the drive was more meaningful than ever...

the drive home to Hakipu'u

some sweet sweet overdue kitty lovin'....

So home Sunday afternoon, was nice to just be there.....unpacked, had dinner with Amy...nothing better than homecooked meal made with plenty of love.......needless to say we were pretty spent and it was for sure an early to bed nite......

Woke up Monday morning grabbed out coffees and went to sit on the dock and talk story a bit before Amy had to get prep'd to head back to her home , kids and husband in Prescott.....

Bitter sweet time to have to say a hui hou......

Mahalo nui to all of my hanai 'ohana here on O'ahu for opening up yourselves to Amy and making her comfortable and able to be the "eyes, ears" for my family .....she was able to return to the states and report that I was being very well taken care of, well loved, protected and that Hakipu'u is right where I should be to get through this battle.

Soooooo.....that's pretty much the end to the loooong narative of pre diagnosis, finding out I had cancer, hospitalization, first chemo.......first lots of things, then making my way home.
I am still learning so much on a daily basis....I have a week of "nothingness" to prepare and get strong, find a good balance between my mind/body/spirit so I can go into Chemo Round 2 ready.

Not sure what direction this blog will go now, sure will be plenty of narratives, funny stories, great memories etc etc....but I am also feeling there is plenty I need to "get off my chest' (no pun intended) and just state things the way I see them and the way I am experiencing them......

Thanks again for coming along on this ride......I've got a bit of ways to go through this hell I have been thrust into..I will do my best to go with head held high and a smile on my face, I know that will not be my reality 100% of the time.......so makes me more thankful to know you all are at my side and should I start to falter there will always be someone there to catch me.....
Lots of Love and Aloha to you All

P

(p.s. I don't go back and re-read what I write here and don't use spell check, so sorry if come across any typos or odd run ons that dont make a whole lot of sense)