"My Lungs And Body May Need Air...But My Soul Breathes Better In The Ocean" -James Flynn

Day before Chemo Round #2.............

YUP YUP....feeling strong physically, mentally and spiritually......have so many folks to thank for helping me get to this point......I AM READY TO BATTLE!!

I have found a "common ground" with my Chemo and we are going to unite tomorrow as I give it permission to enter my body and together we will work to destroy and rid my body of the cancers that have taken root.

Bags are packed, special blankie and pillow ready to go.... "SUPAH P" shirt ready....comfy clothes....iPod loaded.....snacks packed (Lunch being delivered - Mahalo Shawna!!! woot woot!!)....blogging early so can relax this evening and get a good nite sleep  (ha ha ya rite like I going really sleep tonight!!)

They tell me infusion of all premeds and the 4 chemotheraputic agents will take approx 6 hours total to infuse......

I mean no offense to anyone who has been in the spot that I find myself in....I need to be honest about thoughts and feelings.......these are MY thoughts and feelings ......and this is MY experience....

I AM SCARED SHITLESS.......

For those not familiar with chemotherapy here are the Top Side Effects From Lymphoma Treatment

1.Chemotherapy Induced Nausea and Vomiting

2.Difficulty Swallowing During Radiation Therapy

(I already got some problems in that area, good thing my radiation isnt for months huh)

3. Hair Loss During Chemotherapy

(PAU)

4. Mouth Sores (Mucositis)

5. "Chemobrain"

6. Loss of Appetite

7. Bowel Troubles

8. Effects of Treatment on Your Skin

9. Effects on Your Sex Life

(My WHAT??? at least theres one thing I wont feel missing!!)

10. Potential development of neuromuscular side effects and possiblility of loss of deep–tendon reflexes, foot drop, ataxia, and paralysis all thanks to my new buddy Vincristine.

How many of these will I check off before my treatment is done...no one knows......is it "bad juju" to be focused on this now??? NO IT IS NOT...these are a reality....these are MY new reality.....some of these are already checked off on my list.....and for me you can add the whole "irritated diaphram after chemo administration that leads to hours of unrelenting hiccups........

Again....am I "focusing too much on the negatives"????? NO!!! I have seen all of these first hand, I have seen children battle against all of this.....fight all of this....sometimes win/sometimes lose....does that fuel me to fight hard...YES....can I fight harder than the "losers" ....THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FIGHTING HARDER WHEN IT COMES TO CANCER......YOU EITHER FIGHT HARD OR DONT FIGHT AT ALL......if the cancer "won" it had nothing to do with the strength or the fight of the person it "beat".

I know many of you are thinking "Is it healthy for him to be focused on so much negatives right now????" YES....for ME it is.... I need to face all of this head on , deal with it, squash what I can, learn to live with what I can not squash.........If that makes YOU uncomfortable...that is on YOU!

So many questions going through my head and not wanting to let my "weaknesses" show.....gotta be tough superhero me right?????    Sorry folks  even a "superhero" needs a good cry........its easy to go on and on about being positive and saying all the things folks want to hear and want to believe......and YES YES YES I do BELIEVE that positive thoughts can help with successful outcomes........but I need to get out there the other thoughts that are going through my head right now....BUCKLE UP THIS IS GOING BE A BUMPY RIDE.......anyone who cares sit this one out ...I completely understand......my filters are gone....I will not hold back in fear of making someone else uncomfortable.....

THE THOUGHTS THAT ARE RAGING THROUGH MY HEAD AT THIS MOMENT

"What if none of this works"........"what did I ever do to deserve this"...... "will I ever get to set up another chrismas tree"......"how did I end up being single at 43?"........"what am I going to do if the Puke Monster shows up in the middle of the nite"......."when will I transform from being new handsome bald me to gray sickly skeletor me"........"will I ever know the feeling of another first kiss"...."will I lose my eyebrows"......"what did I do to deserve this"...... "it is so dark the place I am walking into, when I get half way will I see a light at the other end"..........."why can't anyone give me a goddam crystal ball so I can know just how bad, bad is going to be for me"......."eat everything in the house TONIGHT"....... "why can't I stop crying"........."what if I just said NO to treatment....could I stay the way I am right now for a while longer, would that be better than the me I am going to become with each round of chemo"......."some say I may lose my mojo....how many times is too many when it comes to taking care of business on my own"......" in another 2 weeks I'll be a size 32 waist again - WOOT WOOT"......."in another 4 weeks I'll be a size 30 waist...thats nastie"......"can you hire hookers for cancer patients"........"when I come back I want gills god damn it"......."if one more person tells me this is their gods way of testing me or quote some shit like that which does not kill you only makes you stronger - I will probably pull pages from that book you are trying to bash over my head and hand feed you pages of it till you stop talking"........"I DO NOT BELIEVE IN A GOD THAT GIVES GOOD PEOPLE AND INNOCENT CHILDREN INCURABLE DISEASES AS A MEANS OF TESTING THEIR STRENGTH AND FAITH!!!!!!"........"besides since I am a big HOMO your god doesn't care about me anyway, isnt that what they teach in your church?"......."I am not sure what will be more fun, playing the cancer card or playing the chemo-brain card"......."there is so much I need to say to YOU, and YOU, and YOU and YOU and YOU"........"I need to apologize to YOU and YOU and YOU"........"good thing I didn't start drinking wine before started this blog"......"because I dont have medical coverage is it really effecting my therapies"......."how did I get so lucky to be so loved"....."what did I ever do to deserve this"........"pity the poor mental health therapist they pair my ass with"......"money. bills.money.bills.money.bills"........"thankfully I do not have kids"........"will I never know the joy of being a father"........"what if none of this works"........"what is it that makes the sky blue and the grass green"......"I need to find someone to teach my properly to play my ukulele"....."I wish we went to karaoke more often"....."there are so many great people I have come across in my life.....how do I make sure each one knows it"......."I don't want mouth sores"........"I want fresh fruit"......."am I strong enough to truly handle this......or am I weak and just putting on a show to make everyone else more comfortable".........."would death really be that bad"........

EXHAUSTING ISNT IT????? TRY BEING ME!!!!!!

So, there is some insight into what is happening in the mind of one person learning to deal with his cancer as he prepares to move forward with his next chemo treatment.....chemo treatment #1 was honestly done while pretty high on pain meds.....and avoiding dealing with reality......

This is MY REALITY .......

I am NOT looking for sympathy, pity or anything like that......it is just important for me that as I go through this process I do it honestly and openly......and YES those that didnt approve that did mean divulging my present financial standing.......THIS IS MY REALITY

WHAT AM I???

I am ANGRY

I am SCARED

I feel ALONE

I am STRONG

I am NOT ALONE

I am ABLE TO BEAT THIS

I AM SCARED........

WHOA  big sigh of relief ....getting all that off my chest/out of my head......there I said what I wanted to say......it is MY BLOG  after all.....if anyone was made uncomfortable....I DO NOT APOLOGIZE....this is MY REALITY.......these are MY thoughts......I appreciate you staying by my side as alot of my strength these days comes from those around me.......NEVER will we ALL see "eye to eye" on some issues, but that is what makes each of us individual, special and our differences can be what unite us......

AGAIN, I do not want to give the impression that I am going into chemo tomorrow feeling negaitve and like "giving up"......I truly am feeling STRONG, POWERFUL, BACKED UP, READY TO FIGHT...... what this blog was about was for me to exorcise some demons that I have been carrying around and have found difficult to talk about/vocalize because of others discomfort ...........I have not given up, I am ready to fight, I know I WILL BEAT THIS, I have not come this far scrapping my way through life to finally be living the life I deserve to have....just to have it all taken away from me.....I WILL NOT GIVE CANCER THE STRENGTH OR POWER TO DO THAT TO ME!!!

I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE AND ALOHA FOR ALL OF YOU......

P

MAHALO to ma braddah James Flynn for the quote to this blog entry.....one day soon you an me going do that SUP run around Mokoli'i ....I am thinking a full moon run way to go!!!!!