#1. What the fuck is "the good cancer"???? YES.........for the second time I have been told how "fortunate" I am to have "the good cancer".......SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! Do folks truly believed there are good and bad cancers??? How the hell do you decipher the good from the bad?!?!?!?!
#2. STOP comparing my cancer and my situation to others that you have known.....I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR "HOW BAD THEIR SITUATION WAS" ....I am well aware of the blessings in my life.....STOP TELLING ME "HOW LUCKY I AM - to not be going through what so and so went through"........
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I am trying to get myself out of this "anger place" I have landed into the past few days.....not having a whole lot of luck.
Had and amazing time with my brother while he was on island, so thankful and blessed that he was here during a "good week".....I was full of energy, spirits were up and was really able to enjoy the time we had together.
He left Saturday.....then like a reaper hiding in the shadows my nadir came sneaking in.........riding on the heels of the diminishing pain that followed my Neulasta injection.....
Was off the high dose steroids Friday, so by Saturday could feel my mood slipping, by Sunday morning I could feel the "crash" and depression coming.....the hardest part is the moments of feeling hopeless and the tears that come out of no where......might try talk to the doc about putting me on a steroid taper next time instead of the abrupt stop.....heard some folks on the same chemo protocol I am on get it done that way.
Got up yesterday (Sunday - gotta jog my "chemo-brain")....for my sunrise walk, was feeling "good" could tell the fatigue from the oncoming nadir was there, but made it a good distance and spent plenty time soaking up the early morning sunshine...for sure helps my spirit.......got home still not feeling too bad, ready to start the day ......hopped in the shower and about halfway through lost the feeling in my finger tips.........This is a not to uncommon side effect of the Vincristine.......
I just wish someone had explained it would come on all at once without warning...for some reason I deluded myself into thinking it would be gradual.
It is hard to explain the feeling....everyone keeps using the term "pins and needles" ....it's not like that....it started like a sore feeling where my thumbs meet my hands ...I realize now I was aware of this on my morning walk...then BAM the tips of all 10 fingers shut down......now they just feel "asleep" ....I truly don't know the words to describe it.....I am still able to use my fingers, although texting and typing are a bitch.....so far my feet and toes doing fine...got some of the cramping in legs/calves but had that when nadir round 1 and 2........
Had my first burn...went to take a pizza out of the oven and thought I had the towel covering all my fingers but apparently one finger was exposed and tip went onto hot pizza pan.....it did HURT...so that's gotta be a good sign right?!?!? Now its just a blister that doesnt feel like nothing.
I was just one more of those "solidifying" moments....when I was made aware that I have entered the next level of this hell I am being forced to walk through........I cried.....I cried HARD....but then I got angry, really really ANGRY....and still have yet to find a way to let go of the anger.......
Then for what ever reason...I think it happened rite before my second nadir??? I had about 3 hours sitting on the toilet......WTF?!?!?!? Was worried I was going all dehydrated, but luckily I have cases and cases of "my special coconut water" that I was tanking to make up for everything coming out......
Debated calling the doc....but was worried with the onset of signs of vincristine neuropathy, the diarrhea and my Nadir moving in......all on a Sunday nite , I would wind up buying myself a trip to the ER and an admission to the hospital......and you know my top 3 goals through all of this....#1 BEAT IT.....#2 NO INFECTIONS.......#3 NO HOSPITALIZATIONS!!!! Truly I kept a close eye on all of it and for sure if I thought at any point it was really necessary I would have gone to the ER .....I PROMISE ;)
Last night was a mostly sleepless night.....primarily because of the pain, everything on my body ...bones....muscle....skin....HURT - I even went so far as to pop 2 percocet, something I haven't done in a while and really didn't want to do...I did manage about 3 hours of consistent sleep.
Woke this morning with that feeling of fatigue taking me over, but still got my ass up and went for my walk.....was a short beach walk to my "special quiet spot" and spent couple hours being quiet and drinking in the beauty around me and the feel of the sun.
Got out and did some "errands" (Thanks Len!!) MAJOR SUCKAGE FACTOR...when just walking from the parking lot to the store is enough to wind me....but again knew this was all part of the nadir that was coming.
And I did make the "agreement" that if we did chemo every 3 weeks instead every 2 weeks ...I would be willing to endure "pure hell" for a few days to have that "extra week" of feeling good.......
I can at this very moment feel the nadir coming down on me.......I kinda "shuffling" now and feeling like an old old man......sore/stiff, headaches, shortness of breath comes easier and my "chemo-brain" playing all kine crazy tricks on me......
So hopefully this blog answers the questions of how am I doing .... and helps shed light on why I couldn't be more "elated" last Monday after round #3 of chemo infused and I kept hearing the term "halfway there".......I have actually come to realize...."halfway there" doesn't exist in this situation.....sure technically 3 out of 6 is "half way".....but what most folks don't realize is that with each round the body becomes weaker, the fighting gets harder.......THIS IS NOT ME BEING "NEGATIVE" WITH MY THOUGHTS......it is just the reality of this suck ass situation........
Will talk with the oncologist tomorrow about the neuropathy....seems from what I can tell 2 choices are to either delay treatment to see if it subsides or to cut the dosage of the Vincristine.....either one does not thrill me..... I want the max, I want it now and I want all of this over with..............
And yes your right I am tired , I am pissed off and I have a right to be.
I am also doing my best to stay positive, I realize everyday the blessing that are around me, I am so appreciative to have so much love and support from you all. Will face this nadir head on.....do what I gotta do to get through it day to day until I am on the other side of it......
LOTS OF PEACE LOVE AND ALOHA TO YOU ALL
You're right, you have the right to be pissed off. I can only imagine the people telling you, 'oh, it's the good cancer', aren't people that have actually had cancer.
ReplyDeleteTHERE ISN'T SUCH A THING.
Just hang in there. We are all here to love and support you whether you are on a high because you feel really well or if you are crashing and burning, doesn't matter. We will get you through this.