Tuesday, March 13, 2012

My "Pillow List"....

Thanks for the shirt Sam...I wear it with pride!!

So, the "bounce back" from Chemo Round #2 hasn't gone exactly as I had hoped for.....more of a big dose of reality. I am doing a lot better than I was middle of last week.....physically AND mentally....It's the constant FATIGUE that will not loosen its grasp on me.
I still have my "independence"....ADL's no problem, fun events for the week are trips to the grocery and the drugstore....The recent weather of course had a lot to do with all of that...clearing skies will give me a chance to at least just be outside doing something or truth be told just sitting around doing NOTHING. Actually I am sitting out in front of my home in the sun doing this blog right now.  I gotta get some sun on my WHITE BOLO HEAD!! I can no more take "those looks" from folks when I remove my beanie or hat and there is that "moment of realization" pity look....

Hard thing right now is apparently I "look so good" on the makes it harder to describe how I feel on the inside....
I just have to get myself out of bed in the mornings, assess the situation and move forward...finding I need to get things done early on before the batteries run low, then when they are depleted I have to accept more fighting it. I am doing my best to beef up my mind/body/spirit before Round#3 next Monday.
Been so blessed having so many folks step up and deliver meals to me.....not sure you all have any idea how great that is, that at the end of the day when I just got no more gas in the tank....a hot meal is dropped off or just needs be warmed up. MAHALO!!

It has been great on my "up days" to have visitors and be able to just sit, talk story, share memories, laugh, cry all of it. Sorry to some who were supposed to come visit and I just wasn't up for it....I can only make plans day to day at this point and please understand that texting as "not personal" as it seems, is on some days a save for me, when simply just do not have the energies to have a phone conversation.

Since the day the "C-word" became a part of my reality, numerous times the topic of "BUCKET LIST" has come up.......I have given this concept a pretty good amount of  thought and how I applies to ME and MY EXPERIENCES.....

First of I do not and other than for a few brief moments of  darkness think of myself as "dying of cancer" I am LIVING WITH CANCER....what does that truly mean?? Fuck all if I know...I'm just living my life day to day at this point..... I do know I am NOT "kicking any bucket"
For me the concept of bucket list is for someone who is facing an end of life issue and realize they have lived a life they are not satisfied with....
Regrets, coulda...shoulda....woulda.... we ALL have them to some degree, right?
In my situation I have been fortunate to have lived a very full life see where I came from and follow the journey of my life to the point I am at right now....I have been BLESSED A THOUSAND TIMES OVER!!
I have travelled the world....experienced life surrounded by amazing family and friends..... I have been in love....have had my heart broken.....perhaps I may have broken a heart or two (?)....I have held a newborn infant (was in nursing school and the thing shot out "fresh from the vag" thus sealing my fate as NEVER being an L&D nurse!!)......I have held a child as they have passed from this reality we call "living".....I have been a part of saving a child from passing from this reality we call "living".... I realize now more than ever that I have had positive influence on many lives and if I were to die today I would in fact leave a legacy...I have learned different languages...learned to understand, appreciate and respect other cultures......laughed so hard I couldn't breathe....cried so hard I couldn't breathe ......have experienced things that more than once have taken my breath away... jumped from an airplane.... scaled tall buildings.... broken bones.... swam with turtles, dolphins, sharks, rays......heard whale song underwater with my own ears....the list goes on and on....
If I were to die today I WOULD BE OKIE WITH THAT.....if that were my fate, so be it, I could go IN PEACE....


There is A LOT  more living I have to do .....plenty more skills to learn...plenty more places to see...plenty more experiences to be had....plenty more friends to make.....maybe get lucky and get one nother chance at falling in love.....hopefully not break any ones heart....

But for me to sit here and compile a list of things I MUST do before I die, after looking back over my life me would just be plain SELFISH....and I think impossible....
I will continue to live my life, while I have cancer......continue to experience life, share life with family and friends, build new memories, learn new things......Sure there might be some limits while I am stifled physically.......but if you thought keeping up with me and my life was a challenge in the past ....just wait until I am no longer someone with cancer...but rather a SURVIVOR!!!

So for me rather than "BUCKET LIST"  I am going to have a
this will be MY list of things I would like to accomplish daily from when my head leaves the pillow till the point that I lay it back down on the pillow......ONE DAY AT A TIME....

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.



  1. First off, I love your idea of a pillow list for you! Second...I have to tell you what a dork I am. I never thought of a bucket list as a "kick the bucket" thing. I mean you are probably right but I thought it was like a "fill up your bucket" with stuff you wanted to do to have a full life!
    Guess I am the eternal optimist? LOL!

  2. That's the PD we all know and love.

  3. my friend curt ginther passed your link along and i am glad he did. this was a very inspiring post, patrick. thank you for sharing it all. sending a ton of aloha and well-wishes your way, sir. keep up the good fight!