The Birthday Blog....

"Another year older"......Thankful to have made it another year older.....crazy when I look back this past year of my life was for sure the BIGGEST LIFE CHANGER.
Just when I thought "everything was on track" and I had finally "come into my own".......I had actually just began to grasp onto the future of me as things were all coming together and the "stars were aligning".....and then as soon as I seemingly had it in my grasp it was all torn away from me.....

CANCER.....

yup 43 years old... in the "prime of my life"....."living life to its fullest"....trying "not to take anything for granted"........or so I thought....

January 25, 2011......"YOU HAVE CANCER".....

EVERYTHING changed....my life was being threatened, my independence was stolen from me, the "reality" I knew, would be no more....

CANCER......

How? Why? When? Why?Why? Why?

"It couldn't be happening to me"......" I am the one who takes care of everyone else"......"I have gone through so much to get to where I am, to be who I was, to be living the life I was blessed with"....

CANCER.....

Last week of January into the first week of February a blurr....doctors, catscans, needles, surgeries, pain, disbelief, anger, FEAR, unknowns, diagnosis, re-diagnosis......

A new reality....darkness....death....dying....FEAR....

A shining light in the darkness....FAMILY, FRIENDS.....LOVE, CARING, SUPPORT.....

Immediate support at my side, phone calls, emails, cards......from all over the world in no time...

A bright light....showing me in spite of the darkness that had enveloped me there would be lessons learned in this new reality.......

A realization of how BLESSED I am and how wonderful and amazing my life had been.
When I sat for the week knowing I had cancer....but everyone unable to tell me what kind it was stalling treatments....tests tests more tests......
I was force to take a good look at my past 43 years and realized how truly amazing they had been. The things I had seen and experienced, the places I had travelled to , the jobs I had worked, the friends and family I met along the way.......BLESSED
I had gotten to a true sense of peace of letting go of this "reality" this "life" this "world......peace at the prospect of moving on...
Realizing that if in fact it were my time to "go" , I could go will the knowledge that I had made and impact in this world, had positive influence on others lives, a knowledge that was becoming so clear to me that in some ways I was leaving this world just a little bit better than it was when I arrived.....at least for some.

It wasn't giving up, or giving in.....it was facing the potential reality and for the first time in my life truly knowing a sense of PEACE in myself.

Diagnosis comes.....new reality.....I have been given a fighting chance....

Life was not over, there was a whole lot more for me to do......a whole lot more lessons for me to learn.....chances to meet new people that would impact me and that I could impact on.

A chance to now move from a place of PEACE to having to truly find out how strong I am...

Some have said "courageous"

COURAGE

 the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Nothing courageous about this  the levels of FEAR  are debilitating at times.

STRENGTH

 the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power

Physically my body would show me a strength I never new it had, mentally my mind would show me a strength I never new I had, spiritually.......an OVERHAUL!!

FEAR

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

Levels of fear I have never known before......

SURVIVOR

 a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.

I WILL BE A SURVIVOR and despite all my fears I will find the courage and the strength to beat this....

CANCER

An immediate lesson I learned was about

GENEROSITY

readiness or liberality in giving, freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character

I have come to know a level of generosity from family friends and strangers that has humbled me....

The outpouring of love caring and support from so many different folks, from so many different places, from so many different times in my life.
Levels of LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP I wasn't aware of....I know I have said it before but for real , at times like being at my own memorial service.
The memories shared, the stories of the effects I had on other peoples lives......
The good the bad the ugly.......all laid out there.....no smoke machines, no mirrors, no holding back

Truth......HONESTY

else I have been doing to battle this, is working.......then its on to Radiation Therapy....

The generosity I have been shown financially has floored me.
The rate and level that folks have stepped up to in order to help me has been a life changer ....the levels of stress alleviated by your generous donations is hard to describe.
Knowing that for the present time I can maintain some of my independence, I can stay in my home, I can focus on healing......I can on a daily basis be blown away by generosity of others.
The ChipIn account that was started expires tomorrow......I vaguely recall the discussion of what the "goal" should be.......what the potential reality of donors would be......my mind was somewhere else when these discussions were had.......All I was hearing at the time was CANCER...

Now 3 months after it started and it hit 80% to the goal.....
SPEECHLESS.....(yes ME...speechless)
At this time all I can say is "THANK YOU"......hardly seems enough....but that's what I have.

I also have the chance now to be a WARRIOR, fight this with strength, pride and dignity.

Then once I am given the title of SURVIVOR, I will go on spending the rest of my days

PAYING FORWARD your generosities.

The medical bills are there and will be there.....was funny having a conversation the other day and realizing how absurd it is that I will have to go to war to fight this thing, survive it, just so I can spend the rest of my life working to make the money necessary to pay off what it took in order to save me.... ODD huh?!?!

But in surviving this and moving on in my life I will be given the chance to show the world that infact we are surrounded by goodness, kindness, compassion......NOT THE CRAP they bombard us with in the media......there are good people out there!!!You have all taught me that.
I will also go on to be a testament that "Karma is NOT a bitch" .....I think my story speaks volumes about what you put out there will someday come back to you .......

So now I am on to the next year in my life......surrounded by blessings........"lucky"??? not such a huge fan of that word......"lucky" in the sense that it can be as bad as the last year was.....you can only be given your first cancer diagnosis once!! right?

This, the next year of my life, starts off with still 2 more rounds of chemo to go.....then the looming Petscan that will hopefully answer some questions and show that the chemotherapy and everything Feeling "lucky"......mmmmmm......not so much

Feeling "blessed" YES, blessed to be surrounded by and supported by family and friends, blessed to be having all this new learning experiences and opportunities to view life in a different way.
BLESSED......that I actually LIKE THE PERSON I am becoming.
So yes looking forward to the coming year, its for sure going to be a challenge.....but look at what is in store for me once I meet and take on each of those challenges....just imaging what I will be blogging about a year from now!!!

Thank you all so much for all the Birthday wishes and love that I was showered with!!!

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So.....this Monday is Chemo #5.....am I ready for it??? I guess ready as I will ever be....

Was  some suckage following round #4 in that usually once I get past the 2 weeks after infusion I usually have one week of feeling strong before the next infusion.....not the case this time>
This past week I have been completely exhausted....thought I was battling a bit of a bug early in the week, but realizing by weeks end...I just never got my "mojo" back on this past week.

It has been a week of pretty much sleep, wake, sleep, wake.....
The peripheral neuropathy is still there....the hands are unchanged and now its the muscle cramping, charley horse feeling to my calves and feet....not sure why but this likes to sneak up on me in my sleep...the other night I am pretty sure I levitated right into a rigid standing position in my sleep.

I can feel the changes to my body, some good I think in relation to the change in my eating habits ....I am becoming a MASTER JUICER!!
Some of the changes, due to the chemo ....not so good....but "they" say the fatigue, the pain, the this , the that, is all part of it.....blessed that I had the 4 good runs......only 2 more to go.

Mentally my bodies "inabilities" are starting to take a toll....but again it goes back to having to find that mind/body/spirit connection and keep forward momentum.

Today just plain sucked and left me angry and sad....today was my niece Lucie's Bat Mitzvah....she is in Phoenix so the risk of being on a plane right now plus trying to get back in time and be well rested and ready for Chemo Monday prevented me from going....this morning I got up and regretted not being there....another once in a life time opportunity that this FUCKING CANCER HAS STOLEN FROM ME!!It's a reminder that I need to keep planning things to look forward to, maybe make some small modifications to my "pillow list".

So tomorrow "Chemo Eve" I'm going to head out with a buddy of mine to do a hike somewhere on island I have never hiked before....
Spend the day outside, breathing, feeling, seeing , experiencing....LIVING....
Then be ready for round #5......

After that I have the planning and work to do that I can to help out with the Fundraiser/Benefit my friends have put together for me at the end of May.
Little known secret I'll share......the benefit will be the night after what will hopefully be my last ever chemotherapy infusion!!!! There's something to celebrate ...huh?!?!

Will be a great night, have plenty of live performers to entertain, plenty fun things for kids to do and a huge silent auction.....which will be in a lot of ways the first time I have ever really put my photography out there to the public....

It was important to me to do what I could to make most of the silent auction pieces my photography, not sure if it makes sense, but it will be one way I can "repay" folks for their generosity....does that make sense??? They can leave the fundraiser that's being thrown on my behalf with a part of me....
And hell if I die you know what those photos going to be worth then!!!

ha ha ha ha ( I know ...I just put a dollar in the "douche jar")

So that's about it for now...thought I would have more insightful, "heavy shit" to lay down for you....but my brain just plain hurts....

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR ALL THE BIRTHDAY WISHES AND LOVE .....

I LOVE and MISS so many of you that are not close by....but have loved the reminiscing we have done the last few weeks/days and so looking forward to seeing everyone again sometime soon....(on my world wide "post cancer" book signing tour???)

LOTS OF LOVE AND ALOHA TO YOU ALL

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”
― Dalai Lama XIV