Blessings around every bend......

Aloha Kakou!

Lets get the "boring stuff" out of the way first....

Medical Update: feeling like SHIT at the one week after round #4...nothing I can't handle and will push through it one foot infront of the other.
Despite cutting the Vincristine dose in half at round #4 the peripheral neuropathy is getting little worse. It has spread from not just my fingers but now my entire hands......feels now like I have icy fingers and really TIGHT gloves on......am dealing by "training myself" to use my eyes when using my fingers and making sure I grip things with my hands not just fingers....biggest lesson was making sure I double check after I do up my button fly jeans!!!!

Started to feel small kine tingle/neuropathy on tip of my tongue and lips.....so guess a conversation with the Onco is in order....and I'll continue to do what I need to do for ho'oma'a the physical changes.

Pain following the last Neulasta shot started the night after getting it and only lasted about 24 hours.....when the pain woke me in the middle of nite all I could think of is the scene from X-Men when Wolverine gets the metal injected into his bones.......that is what it felt like......but luckily short lived.

Appetite is still good, haven't lost any more weight.....been juicing like a mad scientist....

amazing how "good" my body feels drinking these concoctions.....some have tasted far better than others......with the "budget" have for food if a batch come out tasting nasty or smelling foul...still gotta DOWN IT~! No wasting good food!!

And now instead of my "daily Jägermeister shot" its become a daily shot of juice olena/olive oil/black pepper......times are a changing......

One of my all time favorites is the homemade soups I keep getting that go into the freezer and are the perfect meals at the end of the day when I'm full on tapped out and got no energies for make anything...out of the freezer, into the pot and BAM a nutritious meal FULL OF LOVE!!

(Mahalo Malia for my latest batch...the matzo balls are like the prizes in a Cracker Jacks box!!)

So that's it with the medical/physical update stuffs.......YAWN!!! RIGHT????

Financial stuffs: I am still blown away by the outpouring of generosity from folks all around our planet......again I am humbled and left with nothing but a HUGE MAHALO~~!!
(I am still working on getting a thank you out to each of you.....if you haven't gotten on ITS ON ITS WAY....just know how much I appreciate all of it)

I got my approval for SNAP (supplemental nutrition assistance program)......our states name for foodstamps......I am the lucky recipient of $285.00 a month (was $300 but already get cut backs before even receive it) so basically the state says I should be able to survive on $71.25/week for food.........HAVE YOU SEEN ME EAT??????

Whatevah's~~!!! Just thankful to receive anything at this point....wish I could spend it at the farmers market for the good/inexpensive stuffs......but that would make too much sense, yeah?

The $$ comes on a card that looks like a credit/debit card.....crazy bat shit thing is I still have not been able to use mine.....I am having a super hard time overcoming the "stigma" attached to being on food stamps.....I know the support is supposed to be there for folks in need.....I guess its just so many years of watching folks that know how to "milk the system" use the support as a way of life.....somewhere in me I am feeling shame for having to use it......

I gotta get over that fast though....the ice box is emptying fast.

Tried all "avenues" with my SSDI application.....but the "standard" process is to have to wait 3-6 months before the application is reviewed and the feds decide whether or not I qualify as "disabled"......FUCK I'll be pau treatments and back to work before they even take a look at my shit!!

Again WHATEVAH'S~~~!!!!

Also found out that the Medquest (state healthcare) is NOT the coverage I should be on.....I should have been applied for and put on something called Medquest QeXA.....it's what your apparently supposed to be on if "disabled" and my inability to work for the year I am in treatment deems me "disabled"....it covers more and there is more state financial support that comes with it......so  the "drowning in paperwork" starts all over again.....

Thanks to Kehau (1) for the title of one of my upcoming books

"IF THE CANCER DON'T KILL YOU......THE PAPERWORK WILL"

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Okie nuff with the boring shit....let's get to this past weekend!
Saturday was the annual Kualoa/Hakipu'u Canoe Festival.....we were so blessed to have Hōkūle'a back in the place of her birth after she spent so much time in dry dock getting her necessary and well deserved "tune up"....

It was at the canoe festival that the newest canoe Ka'aumoana received her blessing...

The blessing of Ka'aumoana had different meanings for different folks and those meanings can not be put to words.......each of us will carry our own meanings with us....I'll let the photos do the "talking" now....

My favorite photo of the day....'Ohana on Ka'aumoana....Nakoa who built her, steering and holding Makai, the future of Hawaiian Sailing Canoe. His wife and my bestie Terry. Nakoa's mom, Kaau's mom and the all the rest of us blessed to be part of this 'ohana and have the chance to share this special moment together.......

(mahalo Stephanie for the pic)

end of the day......riding my future home.....

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Sooooo if that wasn't enuff excitement (and exhaustion) for one weekend......my blessings didn't end there.......thanks to my good friend Jennifer I was blessed with a ticket to be in the audience to hear/see his holiness the Dalai Lama speak......

Jen I don't know how to begin to thank you!!!

How's my "lucky fakah" seat!!!!

How to even put this life experience into words......I worked hard to make sure my "chemo-brain" took in every moment, every word, every emotion.....

His holiness was here to speak on Public Talk, "Advancing Peace through the Power of Aloha."

Was interesting when His Holiness said "that prior to being explained the deeper meaning of Aloha he did not have much understanding of the concept. He said although the term appeared simple the challenge was in implementing the real meaning of the concept."

This completely struck home to my core as this is something I strive to accomplish in my life.....implementing the real meaning and spirit of the Hawaiian concept of ALOHA in my daily life.......

As His Holiness shared his thoughts on "world peace must come through inner peace",  it completely hit me again in my core as he  added "that at the individual level, a healthy body was very much linked to a healthy mind." His Holiness recalled a meeting with an American scientist a few years in Stockholm, Sweden who told him that when we develop anger, the object of anger appears very negative. The scientist had added that actually, 90 percent of that negativeness is mental projection. His Holiness said "that Buddhism also talked about a similar state".

His Holiness said  "people should try to develop proper mental attitude through training of the mind. And any decision under strong emotion often becomes wrong as much emotion is actually biased."

His Holiness continued his talk about peace saying "the real basis of inner peace was warm-heartedness. Once we develop warm-heartedness, that kind of attitude, automatically develops respect. He said "fear brings about distrust and that love and compassion help dispel distrust.  Once anxiety is reduced and distrust reduced, one develops more compassionate feeling toward others."

He said "love, compassion, affection are at two levels. One level is biological and is biased. That type of compassion could be taken as the seed and then utilizing human intelligence, using our common sense, and most important, through scientific findings, one can work on inner peace. That is realistic compassion and is unbiased, and also brings good health. This can begin at the family level and then at the level of the community."

I was blown away as he acknowledge "despite claiming to be believers of a certain faith/religion, many people essentially are non-believers, and  therefore we need a universal way to approach this universal value of peace. If we rely on a particular religious faith, it will never be universal".

I have waited my WHOLE LIFE to hear some "leader" acknowledge that we are all given the right to our own belief systems but it is UNREALISTIC to think that if we do not let go and all come together as human beings putting aside the "right and wrong" beliefs that come with religions.....then true PEACE will never be found on this planet.....

There was so much more he spoke on in what seemed a very very brief time.....and struck me personally on so many levels.....still processing it all and really working to weave it into the frame work that makes "me".

One thing I found interesting is that His Holiness is actually a TRUE KOLOHE!!!! Giggling at times.....cracking jokes.....and best of all when asked by an audience question about how in photos and in public His Holiness is always smiling....is he always smiling like this behind the scenes and "could anyone truly be so happy".....apparently His Holiness found the question as ridiculous as I did, as his response was to talk about smiling while sitting on the toilet taking a SHIT!!!!

No he didn't use the word "SHIT" but he was full on talking about taking a dump with a smile on his face.....never in a million years would I think the Dalai Lama would have me full on belly laughing like I was at a comedy show!!!

It was truly a life changing experience to be in that audience and I will forever be thankful and grateful to the folks that made it happen for me...

On Monday the Dalai Lama was in Hakipu'u to bless Hōkūle'a......unfortunetly my "the name that will not be spoken" (after watching the entire Harry Potter movies start to finish I decided my Nadir is Voldemort) showed up and "pulled the rug out from under me".....so I was not able to witness the event....from what I heard about the security around it I would have prolly been locked up by da popo for "sneaking" around in the bushes with my camera.......

I had "my time" on Sunday and that was more than enough to be thankful for!

As the Dalai Lama and Hōkūle'a departed Hakipu'u/Kualoa yesterday afternoon it sure felt like some of the "magic" was gone with them.......I awoke this morning feeling the full effects of "that which will not be named".....but put cranked up my motivation/theme song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq13o6KOuuY&feature=related

Listen close to the words if you never hear this already......

I was weak, feeling betrayed by my own body.....tears flowed again this morning.... but out I went....Marchin on.....I made it to my "secret spot"

Sat on "my bench" fighting off feeling of defeat....acknowledging that this is all part of this SHIT FUKAH CANCER process......then I look out and what do I see????

a honu right infront of me coming up for breath....... some of you already know how I got the nickname "Da Honu Dude".....for those that don't......mmmmmm guess gotta wait for another blog or the book.......

It was my reminder of the Hawaiian belief of Hā–(Breath of Life )

The ancient Hawaiians knew that breath was the key to good health. The Hawaiian word for breath is ha, but ha has many other meanings. It means exhale. And since the old Hawaiians were deeply aware that without breath there is no life, ha also means life. (Pukui & Elbert) Because ha was so important, breathing was revered and often done with conscious intention.

Breath was sacred, but the Hawaiians of old also had fun with it. Children played a game to see who could exhale the longest. (Handy & Pukui) During the Makahiki festival, warriors held breath-holding contests. (Pogue)

To release stress, you too can play with your breath. Most people, when told to focus on breathing, try to take a deep inhale, straining to get more air in. The way to truly get a deep breath is to first let the old air out.

Low oxygen levels in cells may be a fundamental cause of cancer. There are several reasons cells become poorly oxygenated. An overload of toxins clogging up the cells, poor quality cell walls that don't allow nutrients into the cells, the lack of nutrients needed for respiration, poor circulation and perhaps even low levels of oxygen in the air we breathe.

Cancer cells produce excess lactic acid as they ferment energy. Lactic acid is toxic, and tends to prevent the transport of oxygen into neighboring normal cells. Over time as these cells replicate, the cancer may spread if not destroyed by the immune system.

So there it was right in front of me the reminder to JUST BREATHE!!!!

I wont bullshit you , it was a TOUGH day....most of it spent sleeping.....but to be honest now at 9:00pm I do feel like I am on the tail end of "that who's name will not be spoken"....energy levels are up......less difficulties breathing.... mood is improved.......

Just pau another hot bowl of Malia's ono-liscious chicken soup......I think the blogging helps....

"WHATEVAH'S"......looking forward to a good nite sleep and another tomorrow....

LOTS OF LOVE ALOHA AND PEACE TO YOU ALL

Going to let my favorite pic of the past weekend speak for itself...