Next Phase.....REMISSION.......

Did he just say "intermission"?????? NO he said 

REMISSION!!!!!!!

Yup Yup you heard it......as of yesterday October 22, 2012 I have been officially declared "in remission"...

NO signs of active cancer showed up anywhere on my PetScan.....

I KICKED BOB'S ASS RIGHT BACK DOWN THE PORTAL OF HELL HE CRAWLED OUT OF!!!!!

Frikkah didn't know who he was dealing with when he picked this fight!!!! And wasn't just me being the Warrior....was all of you "MY ARMY" ....at my side....at my back....pushing me forward...cushioning the blows....picking me up when I fell down.

I WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL AND WILL NEVER FORGET EVERYTHING YOU ALL DID FOR ME THESE PAST 10 MONTHS.

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SHOCKED????....yes I still am today. Going into the appointment feeling as shitty as I have been feeling lately I was no way expecting to hear "remission" ......I had prepared myself for "chemo round 2".....doctor was running over an hour behind so the sit in the waiting room felt like weeks...luckily I had Alan there to "entertain me" ....keep me calm....

When my Oncologist smiled and said "we did it" ..."it's all gone" ...."you are in remission"

I think for a few moments everything inside of me shut down....

then came flooding back like a slap in the face WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?????

This can't be real????

It was when I looked over to Alan and saw his eyes "wet" that I realized I had heard correctly .....

I BEAT BOB!!!

Luckily no one wanted to be the biggest pantie in the room so we held back our tears.....good thing too cause I don't know if mines would have stopped once they started.

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For those that don't know the story, I met Alan in the hospital shortly after I had been diagnosed in January. Alan was a close friend of a friend and had been diagnosed with Stage IV NonHodgkins Lymphoma 2 weeks prior to my diagnosis. (My diagnosis oddly enough came on Alan's Birthday)

A bit after being discharged we started spending time together and right away became good friends.

I think I talked a little about that in a previous post...what a blessing it was to have someone I could talk to that was "speaking my language" and going through the same SHIT STORM AS ME.

Through treatment we managed to get out hiking, go camping, sailing, even a 6 mile hike in the middle of the night to the flowing lava of Kilauea along with 2 other amazing friends Ken G and Moriah who stuck by our sides and are now stuck with my friendship for life.

I smoked him when it came to finishing Chemo first....but he did have the unfair advantage of having one extra type of chemo that had to be given separate and inpatient......so I cut him some slack and took on a few weeks of radiation to let him catch up.

I was HONORED and STOKED to be at his side when his oncologist gave him the news of his remission 

So was equally HONORED and STOKED when he was sitting next to me as I got my news

Shocked...... I think all I kept saying to him was 'WE DID IT!!!" "WE DID IT!!!!"

"WE FUCKING BEAT CANCER BOTH OF US"

I've said all along through this journey that there have been so many blessings that have come my way....by far one of the biggest is the gift of this friendship.....

a bond unlike any other.....

(someday I will write our "whole story"......it's got major hit movie all over it.....just waiting to find a #6)

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So phone calls were made, small kine tears were shed, texts sent, facebook updated .........lunch and dinner celebrations with great friends had.

it was a crazy whirlwind......I crashed hard last night.....slept long and hard......

Today oddly enough felt very similar to that day after I was diagnosed.......

I have been NUMB all day....walking around I think still in a state of shock....just kinda going through the motions.....

Had an appointment with the surgeon who put in my port....arranging an OR time to remove my port  in the coming weeks.

Wandered around the grocery store....not really sure what I was doing there (but stoked to run into my great friend Malia - on of all days her birthday.....I got one of those hugs that kinda brings you back to reality)

REMISSION REMISSION REMISSION.......I just keep going over it in my head......seriously>> ??? NO jokes??? I really beat cancer????

It is almost as shocking as being told you have cancer, but WAAAAAY BETTER shocking!!!!!

I have been floored (once again) by the response to the news and the outpouring of love and support.....came close to crying.....still haven't done it yet.....need to .....

but this cry will be unlike any other cry of my life......this will be the most cleansing cry I have ever had...feel it in my core that I need to be in the ocean to do it......

guess where I will be at sunrise tomorrow.
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So I am still feeling pretty "beat up" and fatigued.....My oncologist says he's not shocked ....body has been through A LOT going to need time to heal......but unless anything out of the ordinary pops up I will not see him again for 3 months at which point he will re-evaluate me for potential return to work.

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As for "the heart issues"......I "got" a copy of the report from my ECHO and the CT of my heart......I don't see my cardiologist till Tuesday, but to hell if I was gonna wait!!!
Seems the CT shows about a 50% blockage of my right coronary artery....with calcifications that make accurate percentages hard to decipher.......the pericardial effusion is still present , but per the ECHO it is has decreased markedly.

Sooooo a half blocked coronary artery......could it be that getting cancer , kicking cancers ass led me to a point where we detected this early , preventing me from having massive heart problems down the road?!?!?!?!

Weird how things work......will not focus too much on it.......or try ask too many "medical friends"

Will wait for Cardiologist on Tuesday and see where we go ......to be honest with you this whole adult patient treatment thing is so far out in left field for me......and the last thing I want to do is become a "medical google nut"!!

For now I would like to just spend the next few days taking in this "new reality" this "new phase of my life"

Was funny how everything I saw through my eyes changed when I was diagnosed and then yesterday sitting with friends I realized it happened again......."remission" changed the way I see the world......

Going to cut this blog short.....TIRED!!! 

Promise to update here soon!!!

going to for sure be a lot of thoughts I am going to need get out there.......

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR YOUR HUGE OUTPOURING OF SUPPORT AND LOVE

The "celebration" of my remission has been bittersweet ......Can I ask you to please keep my "bestie" Terry in your thoughts.....Terry is with her folks on the mainland and yesterday just a few hours after I was able to share my good news with  she and her mom , her dad who had been admitted to hospital last week, suddenly passed away. David too was a WARRIOR beat the shit outta his cancer and was 8 years past his battle.

LOTS OF PEACE LOVE AND ALOHA TO YOU ALL

P

T'was the night before..........

WOW!!  "The night before" came fast.....tomorrow is the "big day"

Not going to rehash all the questions that have been following me around bogging me down....rather spend tonight reminiscing on the good things that have happened over the past 10 months.

I have talked about it before and will talk about it again and again and again......the blessings I have been receiving the past 10 months are mind blowing.

From the very moment this all started......January 25, 2012 folks were right there.....by my side....at my back.

The overwhelming amount of love and support that enveloped me around my time of diagnosis blew me away.....so much LOVE.....and in so many ways without the cancer diagnosis what a waste it would have been to go through this life never realizing the impact and changes I have made....again I will say....no matter what .....if my "time here is done" at least I know I left my mark in this world and am so happy and so thankful to all of you that reached out to me to let me know that I have in fact made a difference and that this world truly has been made a little bit of a better place because I was in it.

From the start with so many stepping up and being BEYOND GENEROUS with the chipin account, and the other generous gifts that took the burden of worry about losing my place to live , losing my independence.....losing everything......I AM SO VERY THANKFUL TO YOU ALL ( and I still have yet to finish sending my gratitude to each of you personally - your head would explode if you saw how long the list is!!)

The generosity and support continued through out. Emails, Facebook messages, cards and packages in the mail. 

So blessed to not only meet new and amazing folks in my life ......for sure one of the best friends I will ever know and who without him by my side, my fellow warrior, my sometimes inspiration, my sometimes the push I need to hold my head up...... I would have been like a fish out of water these past months....THANK YOU ALAN!

But, also to be re- connected with so many wonderful friends from my past, friendships that span our globe.

And to be so blessed to have the bonds of family and friendship of those in my life strengthened beyond anything I could ever imagine.

One of the most amazing things of all of this was the benefit/fundraiser my friends and family threw for me on August 4......how do I even begin to describe that night.

So much love contained in one place....

 I  was overwhelmed by the group that took on the task of putting the entire event together

A HUGE MAHALO TO Noelle, Rudy, Stephanie, Marita, Allison, Shawna, Deroy, Kolea, Simon, Moana, Mali and everyone else not in the pic that worked so hard to make the night a success!!

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I know everyone who worked so hard putting everything together as well as myself were absolutely blown away by the amount of folks that showed up at the event.

Folks I would have never imagined, folks I had never met and folks that I knew without a doubt would be there to support me no matter what.

I guess I can let the pics help tell the story of the night.

MAHALO  to Noelle my wonderful friend and owner of "It's A Wild Life Photography" (http://www.itsawildlifephotography.com/) for all of the amazing photos and the constant love and support !

Need and amazing photographer for a family sesh or event check Noelle out , yesterday she did an amazing job photographing my hanai brother Dustin's marriage to Asia.

MAHALO  to THE VENUE for giving us the perfect spot to have the event!!!

MAHALO  to my brother Koa Johnson and his beautiful life partner Ann Marie for decorating the spot with their impeccable floral arrangements from The Flower Farm ( http://www.flowerfarmhawaii.com/) Seriously anyone on O'ahu looking for flowers for any event check them out, you will NOT be let down!

A HUGE MAHALO TO EVERYONE WHO DONATED TO THE SILENT AUCTION.....AND TO THE "SILENT AUCTION CREW" FOR GETTING MY PHOTOS DISPLAYED !!

The silent auction was a HUGE SUCCESS!!!! And YES in the coming week I will let everyone that was interested in participating but couldnt be there how they can get one of my canvas prints delivered right to your front door......trick is your going to have to match the highest bidder!!

MAHALO Deroy for filling in as "DA BEST EMCEE EVER"!!!

MAHALO to a wonderful friend and someone who has seen me through some of the roughest times the past  months, Eric Keawa performing with his daughter Pomaika'i and his other performing 'ohana

\

MAHALO TO Mailani, her 'Ohana and performers

Huge MAHALO to performers John Yamasato and Darin Leong (sorry can not find pics of you guys performing)

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 LOVING my Feeney 'Ohana!!

 Two amazing and very special ladies in my life!!

 Nice my bookends huh??\

 TONS OF LOVE FROM MY  ENGLE 'OHANA

 My Ocean Paddler TV boys

 receiving the love from my sister Arna

Huge LOVE from my "honu 'Ohana"

PICU 'Ohana

One of my FAVORITE PEOPLE EVER TO ENTER MY LIFE!!

Never going to be a serious pic of the 3 of us!

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So much love , so much support....sooooo many pics 

Here is the link to an amazing video Noelle put together of all some of the pics for those that haven't seen it

http://video214.com/play/xFWkg1FnaFhehkMri7mbcQ/s/dark

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I wish you all could have been there......trips me out to think that if you ALL were to show up we would probably have to rent out Aloha Stadium...and the LOVE still woulda spilled over

how the hell did I ever get so lucky to be on the receiving end of so much love!!!

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I wish you all knew how much your generosity and support has had a direct impact on the past 10 months....the hospital bills are still mounting and climbing...still in the battle to receive my Social Security Disability Benefits.....state decides I can live on $10.00 a day ( NO SHIT) for food - HUGE MAHALOS  to the "Mangia Mangia Club" for helping with that!! 

and $300 a month to pay bills.......I have to keep asking myself WHY have I paid into the system since I was 16???

But thankfully for me KARMA is not a "bitch" 

Apparently along the trip that has been my life I have put enough good out there that KARMA  has turned around and blessed me with the support and generosity  I have received from all of you.

I am ecstatic that I have been able to pay the rent on my house and keep the bills paid.....none of which would have been possible without all of your generosity and support

THANK YOU!!!

So it's past midnight here in Hawai'i.....should try to get some rest for tomorrows big appointment

.....nothing I can do now to change the results that I am going to here....but will be nice to get some kind of answers and ideas.
Wish I could say I was going to go in standing strong, ready to take on what ever they want to throw my way this time.....but truth be told .....I am EXHAUSTED  and SCARED SHITLESS and just want this to all BE OVER.....

Frick....just planning Thanksgiving and Christmas this year will be nice.!!

As always MAHALO TO YOU ALL FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME!!

Special Prayers out to Terry Marmie and David....wish I could be with you......

Lisa you are in my thoughts all the time and wish I could be with you in the coming weeks.....

PEACE LOVE AND ALOHA TO YOU ALL

"Why did you do all this for me?" Wilbur asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you"

"You Have been my friend," replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing"

--E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

FEAR

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt  does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself  weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.
Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot, Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.
Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.
The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hared to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."
- Yann Martel, the novel Life of Pi

Stuck in limbo....

So I this entry I am just going to "cut to the chase" as they say...(ever wonder who the hell "they" are when folks use that "as they say line"??)

"Test" are done....funny you think test in high school were the "most important tests of your life"......then there are the pre college exams.....blows those baby high school tests right out of the water.....then there are the actual college tests which made the pre admissions tests seem like childs play......yet everyone of these tests is designed to be a mile stone.....a "stepping stone" so to speak, each designed to prepare you for what lies ahead of you......pass = great move forward, fail = sucks but can try again till you get it right.

NOTHING in my life has ever prepared me for the testing that I have gone through since this past Friday and worse than that no one has ever given me the lessons or tools that would help keep my sanity while I await the result.....if there is a purgatory I imagine it is something like this state of limbo I feel like I am caught in.

These are no longer Pass/Fail tests.....there was no studying in the world that could have prepared me for them and yet 

THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT TESTS I HAVE EVER TAKEN IN MY LIFE

Would like to think that if something was "terribly wrong" I would have received a phone call (you know like they show in the movies) truth be told, by doctors probably haven't even looked at my results and probably wont until just before I head in for the results on Monday.......and besides what are they going to do call to tell me "you have cancer".....that was so "last season"

Been feeling a lot like that lately , like a TV series that went on hiatus, things got quiet, some of the actors have left the show all together, some have moved from supporting roles to main character roles and there have even been some new additions......"fans" got quiet and now all my "fans" are eager for the "season premiere"......

The episode called "THE BIG NEWS....."

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So, what's been happening during "hiatus".....not a whole lot. 

The physical pain has become a constant battle, just the physical act of lying down or getting up from a lying position can cause pain enough to make me cry out....I try to get up and out of the house, but most days I just sleep the day away......seriously up between 6-8 AM then back to sleep on the sofa by 10-11am and I usually wake around 4pm.

I have found that days out, like Monday and Tuesday back to back testing left me more tired and in a whole lot more pain by Wednesday than usual.

The crazy thing is I just can not figure out what the hell is going on.......It is like there is a constant fire burning in my chest then at times there is a sword being stuck right through the center of me.

It is EXHAUSTING....... FRUSTRATING .....INFURIATING.......FRIGHTENING....

and of course being the ICU nurse I want answers and I want them NOW !!

Is it the lymphoma taking up more space in my chest??? Is it the damage that was done to my heart worsening?? Is the lymphoma gone...but now this is how I am going to be left thanks to "what cured" me?? Was I misdiagnosed......did we miss something.....should we be testing for this.....what about that....should I risk what money I have to "survive" on for "alternative treatments" that in the end may give me survival.....

Who am I any more.....

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I think its understandable and probably to be expected that this is all taking a bit of a toll on me mentally.

Depressed.....yeah I think so. Suicidal NO WAY....but wondering if death would be a better route than living with all of this pain, sidelined - unable to do the things I love......watching everyone else move on.....

I have been "living"  on Google trying to figure this all out. Hate to admit it but spending more time crying than laughing

Waiting for test results that can potentially affect you life expectancy or the possibility of more torturous treatments meant to prolong your life (irregardless of what they do to the quality of it) can take a toll on you.

And for those of you that like to remind me that there are others out there there that have had or have it worse than me, that like to tell others I should really just "suck it up" and "stop my whining" 

FUCK YOU!!!

That is your shit, so don't put it off on me.....

this is MY LIFE and my life has been turned upside down and inside out in the past 10 months.

This is about one person ......ME and MY battle to the death...either the death of my cancer or the death of me.

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Sorry, I am realizing I really don't have a whole lot to say in this entry......I keep writing and deleting.....writing and deleting......so rather than "force it out" I will chalk it up to just being exhausted - physically and mentally.

Wanted to at least give you all the heads up that testing is done....results will be in Monday....I will need some time to talk to folks in person/on the phone so will relay the results here on Tuesday.....

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...

As always THANK YOU for all of your constant caring, support and generosity. I truly can not image what the past ten months would have been like had it not been for ALL OF YOU!!

LOTS OF PEACE LOVE AND ALOHA 

P

A message from my great friend Jill relaying something my little 9yo buddy/her son had to say:

"At dinner tonight Joey said he thinks he discovered the cure for cancer. I said what is it? And he said LOVE"

What's going on........

Hard to believe almost an entire month has gone by since my last blog.......I apologize to my "fan club" (thanks Carrie ) and to everyone who has been wondering what has been going on.

That seems to be the theme of the past month for me....."WHAT IS GOING ON"......I guess I should have never started whining about "what I was going to do with myself for the 3 months between the last radiation and my follow up scans"......the time passing has been anything but uneventful......

Last blog entry was all about the new onset "cardiac issues" I have been facing......

I continued feeling beyond fatigued, sleeping up to 18 hours some days.....usually after putting on my "healthy face" and heading to an outing or meeting up with friends......

Had my follow up visits with my radiation oncologist....she tried to assure me that the radiation, although causing the burns to the linings of my lungs did not do anything to my heart. Me with my oncologist the same day....once again we sat staring at each other scratching our heads in wonderment over just what the hell my body was doing......typically if there is going to be damage to the heart secondary to chemo, is "typically" shows up sooner rather than later......

I am still pretty sure there was damage done by the chemo that was exacerbated by the radiation....but I guess we will just never know......like we said "add it to my atypical list that started day 1 and seems to continue to be growing.

I was remaining "stable" with lower blood pressures and increased heart rates and the pain continued.....actually got worse.

By September 25 I could barely take a semi deep breath without feeling as if someone had just "Pulled A Buffy" (how I decided to describe the pain when asked) and stuck a stake in my chest like a I was a vampire. 

Luckily this was the same day I had a follow up appointment with my cardiologist, we opted for a challenge/test for lack of better description and did a one week high dose steroid pulse in hopes of decreasing some of the inflammation which would hopefully help with the pain ....meaning I started out on oral steroids at a high dose for 2 days, cut the dose in half for next 2 days and continued like that for 8 days.
In 24 hours the pain went from being almost unbearable and me popping oxycodone like they were candy, to far more bearable and almost unnoticeable except with a lot of exertion.....what a RELIEF !

I was feeling like "myself" again...had the added bonus of the "false feelings of wellness and increased energy" high dose steroids will give you....was up with the sun for my walks again....things were looking up.

By just about the end of the steroid pulse the pain was starting to return........I found myself in bed the past few days trying to decipher was the pain emanating from my heart, the burns in my lungs or could the tumors in my chest be growing at a rapid rate like they did in January........

Yes....best described as a TOTAL MIND FUCK!!!!

What the hell is happening inside of me?!?!?!

Today I am back to feeling like someone "Pulled A Buffy" with each deep breath, not up until about 8 am then struggling to stay awake and not nap by noon.....(I usually fail and the napping usually takes over)

Had a follow up with the cardiologist yesterday.....he brought up the possibility of staying on continuous steroids.....something I am TOTALLY AGAINST...for many reasons ....and I am pretty sure my oncologist will agree.....we will discuss at our next follow up appointment.

Do not want to keep trying to manage the pain with NSAID's and wind up with my stomach all tore up....so for now I guess it will be rest and my good friend  oxycodone.......

I keep getting "advice" from folks about how taking so much can be so "bad"......

reality is DEPENDECY vs ADDICTION

Am I becoming "dependent" on them......HELL YEAH....I am in pain and they make the pain better ...

Am I addicted?? HELL NO!!!! I love having a day go by and realizing I didn't take any narcotics....

There are other means on anti-inflamatory herbal treatments I am also taking....was religious with my juiced olena, but my source ran out ....so now switched to turmeric either in tea form or pill/powder form.

One day at a time....one foot in front of the other........

So September was the month of what the hell is going on.....by end of October questions should hopefully be answered.
At last onco appointment we opted not to wait until November to do my follow up scans....so between that and my cardiac tests October is going to be a busy month....

Oct 9: CT Angiogram with Calcium score to check my heart for coronary artery disease

Oct 12: Follow up Echocardiogram -show us how well my heart is functioning and what the status of my pericardial effusion is

Oct 16: Full Body PETscan and CT scan to see how the cancer responded to the radiation.

OCT 22: "DA BIG DAY"....follow up appointments to review results of all my scans....

So much for worrying about being "bored" huh????

So yeah that is what's been happening physically .......

Mentally it has been a roller coaster.....somedays the depression is overwhelming.....a song, a picture, a quote can send me in to a loooong bought of crying. There are those days where I do want to just "throw in the towel" ...."wave my white flag"....say "enough is enough".......

Luckily those days/moments are short lived and I can usually pull myself up...or there is someone around to give me the swift kick in the ass I need......

The past month hasn't been all "DOOM AND GLOOM"

There have been plenty of highlights and good news.....

One of the biggest highlights for me was Sept 11 when Alan was told the his scans show he is in remission, there is no detectable cancer in his body

Alan and me making our "suck it cancer" toast...

"REMISSION"......one of the trickiest words I have ever heard......when you hear it there is reason to celebrate  breathe a "sigh of relief"...the first thoughts for most are "CURE".......remission DOES NOT equal cure.

Remission means you have no evidence of disease activity.... for sure there is reason to celebrate, "no more chemo"..."no more radiation"....ports removed etc etc etc 

But for the person who enters into this new reality called "remission" there is the scans every 3 months for the first year to detect disease re-occurrence, then it becomes scans every 6 months and so on and so on....most medical professionals will not use the term "CURED" until 5 years has passed without any detectable active disease.....NOTbeing a "big downer".....just stating the facts and I think something important for folks to be educated about when they hear the term remission.

Was I completely STOKED when I heard the doctors tell Alan he was in remission HELL YEAH!!! I was holding back the tears like a big pantie....HELL YEAH!!!!

Am I looking forward to hearing the word remission on October 22 at my follow up.....HELL YEAH!!!!

But again remember "remission" is a tricky word and for those of us for whom it becomes reality.....I think the "cancer reality" is ever present, lurking in the shadows.....

Does the feeIing of the "grim reaper hiding in the shadows" during treatment get replaced by "cancer lurking in the shadows" during remission????? I would love to talk to some long term survivors to hear how long the feelings are there.....does it get easier with each negative scan??? 

Another highlight of September was the Honolulu Cure Search Walk To Benefit Children's Cancer Research 

I was honored and humbled to give a testimonial at the walk......took a long time to get the words out and on paper in some sort of make sense way......to be honest I was rewriting the whole thing in a panic sitting in the parking lot the morning of the walk......I think most have seen it but in case you missed it and are interested here is the link to the testimonial......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkF9Al7Zk6E&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Thank you Rudy for capturing it on video (NO I have NOT watched it myself!!)

Was a day of very mixed emotions that day and in the weeks leading up to it. Writing the testimonial and deciding what to talk about took  me to many places and many memories I haven't visited in a long time....the going down the list of patients I have known that are dead, the list of patients I have known that are living ....both lists inspiring me equally.......how did my life get here???
I used to go and listen to kids and parents give testimonials.....never imagined I would be giving one as someone with cancer myself......

LOVED seeing so many of my good friends there to show support for the walk and give me the little bit of added  courage needed to get up and speak to the crowd..

(Mahalo to Stephanie, Natalie and Dianne for the pics)

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A few days after the walk was another bonus of good times in September when my great friend Nick, who I haven't seen in almost 20 years arrived in Hawai'i for a visit

 Before

and AFTER.....

Had a great time catching up.....plenty of laughs reliving memories of long time ago!!! 

Got to take him to most every corner of O'ahu...even if I was running on low battery "old man status"...no hiking, no surfing, no sup'ing .....but still plenty of fun.

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October = Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Bittersweet that a week ago my dear sweet beautiful friend Lisa was diagnosed with breast cancer.......I can't even type it with out the tears flowing and the anger taking over me........I can not say it enough or loud enough how FUCKING SICK AND TIRED I AM OF ALL THIS CANCER !!!
A fellow nurse who has dedicated her life to caring for others. Our paths have crisscrossed over the years, Chicago, Aspen and then Hawai'i......Although no longer in Hawai'i YOU ARE NEVER FAR FROM MY THOUGHTS LISA.

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So that's been the ups and downs and all arounds for the past month.......

"can someone stop this ride I wanna get OFF!!!!"

I promise the next blog will be all about the benefit/fundraiser and trying to share the moments and crazy amounts of love that went on at that event...for sure deserves a blog entry of its own!!!
For those that asked we have figured out a way to make the canvas prints of my photography that were in the silent auction, available to you.
Also, there are still Patrick>Bob T-shirts left in most sizes, but going fast. You can still order them by clicking on the link to the right of this blog ....please enter the size(s) you would like in the comments/directions section when ordering.

I know I am also still very far behind on acknowledgements  mahalos, thank yous and phone calls!!! I will at some point get to all of you!!!
I continued to be blown away and as always thankful for  all for your continued love, caring, support and generosity!!

LOTS OF PEACE LOVE AND ALOHA TO YOU ALL

(ps if you don't comment I won't know you were here)